Day 9 - More relatives, more Bruins

So I saw more relatives today in Punta Gorda and saw the Bruins play a good bad good hockey sandwich. They lost 2-1, but I practiced my Rhode Island accent on a couple strangers.

40 degrees in Tampa.

-Charles

Day 8 - Fishing JuJu out with a few Bruins

(Above: Three old Jewish men cooling off in the shade)
Today may have been the best day of the vacation. It began by visiting my 88 (I thought he was 85 - how naive of me) year old grandfather, JuJu (pronounced Jew-Joosh, mainly because my oldest brother, as I put this mildly, was a little 'tad as a child.)

He shrunk a few inches, which seems to be the norm on my mother's side, although he is incredibly old and still in good shape physically and mentally. So while I will go bald and may shrink to 5'2, I'll live to 90 and manage to piss the hell out of everyone for nearly a decade. All is not lost.

Anyhow, after going on a paddleboat ride with my brother, my mom, and my 9 year old cousin, I settled down to do something as American as gay-bashing (Not that I condone gay-bashing, merely mentioning we homophobic Americans do it alot). My brother, myself, and my mom all went fishing by my grandpas house. I somehow managed to catch 2 fish, and I became a little more of a man, because being a vegetarian does not make me a man. Then I let them go back in the pond.

The day ended with a trip to see the Bruins beat the Florida Panthers 2-1. Some Panther fans were unhappy with us yelling. Whatever, their team sucks.

(Left: Me, finally proving my worth in the world by catching world's smallest fish)

Last night in Miami, 75 again.

-Charles

Day 7 - Prof Sugs sighting down in the Jewish Motherland

(Picture: Gnarly Jewish Wizard from UVM)
I did a few things today, but the one thing of uttermost ridiculousness is that I ran into the rediculous Professor Sugarman at my family friend's Temple. Yes, it turns out Sugs goes to Miami during winter and he goes to that specific synagogue to pray. And we had a delightful conversation. The Jewish world is that unnecessarily small, especially when most of us are trying to escape a northern X-mas with a southern, warm, temperate X-mas.

I also went with the fam to Hooters, where they had a little alcohol while I felt like a marginal child for being under 21. Also just being in Hooters with them was a little weird. It reminded of the semi-rant my mom went on a few days ago about women's boob size not mattering for getting married....Yeah, I didn't quite understand it/blocked most of it from memory to save my fragile mind.

Then we went to South Beach. Gay people found? 2. Me and my brother. You failed me again, Miami.

Miami, a tepid 75 degrees.

-Charles

Day 6 - Nothingness

Drove to Miami for the Sabbath. Horay all the Jew-ness!

In Miami, a good 85 degrees again.

-Charles

Day 5 - Screaming Like Little Girls

Sometimes I wonder how 'the others' do it. While walking around Universal I listened to sublime, subconscious-entering Christmas tunes for 8 hours. That was more than enough for me, but the masses certainly enjoyed it. Hell, who am I kidding. I'm just jealous. Jews don't have any good holiday music (See: Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel).

There were two parts which were most memorable. The first was when we all went on The Simpsons ride. You know those times when you think your parents are really cool? From about ages 4-12?

Well I know my parents are really old. My mom is 59, my dad is 60. The ride was nothing more than a few seats that move while you stare at a huge screen, where you pretend to be moving. Throughout then minute and a half experience, all I could hear, over fits of laughter, was my mother screaming softly like a little girl.

The second part was seeing The Blues Brothers sing Christmas songs. Okay, it wasn't actually them. And it showed. The Blues Brothers were terrible, as mediocre singers and harmonica players. You figure if you did this gig for a while, you'd learn to throw down a decent blues riff. Not once did they mention that they were on a mission from God. No Sympathy from me. But their Bluesmobile was really sweet.


Somewhere south of Orlando. Also, 85 degrees. Ka-ching!

-Charles

Day 4 - A Family of Jerks

So my brother said I should talk about me being a jerk. But I quickly realized that it was a boring and redundant subject. To be fair, today was fairly uneventful. Took a detour to Savanah, went to another beach. No good pictures today.

Anyhow, a friend today asked me how I could survive a trip with my family in a car for so long, when she couldn't survive an hour drive with her parents.

For a while, I drew a blank. And for a while I mean an hour of reading and then a 30 minute nap. And then, it hit me. The only way I can explain it is with this little allegory:

My dad was being his usual facetious self to my mom. In response, she used her colloquial Rhode Island English and called him "retarded, but even that's not enough".
I responded. "So are you saying that he's super retarded?"
My mom laughed.


And finally, I think this whole light 'saga' has come to a conclusion:
Mom: These bathroom lights are weird....there are no lights over here....and when you turn this one on theres a fan.
Dad: Try this light over here.
Mom: Ta da! (light goes on)

Also, if you actually read this post, please tell me. I'm curious to see who, if anyone, is reading this.

Dayonta Beach, Florida

-Charles

Day 3 - Civil War Antiques and Nerd Heaven

First mainly uneventful day of the trip. The highlight may be that after 3 days my sims have stopped hating me. So what if I was an incompetent mayor? I have a heart and 2 ears you know, just like everyone else.

Entering South Carolina we were finally treated with that 'southern hospitality' the movie Walk Hard had taught me. Therefore I have decided that North Carolina, since it is without southern grace and comfort, will be kicked out of The South. And if the South doesn't want it, then it's screwed.

After that, we went to an antique flea market. Sadly, neither were filled with old Civil War memorabilia. Weak.

Afterwards, we went to another a different antique flea market. These antiques were more up my alley - my childhood, aka toys from the 80s and 90s. A picture is worth a thousand words, and this one is worth atleast that many in space bucks. And all of them were in their original packaging.

I will leave you with a forlorn picture of me on the beach, seemingly alone (there were lots of seagulls and broken seashells to cut up the bottom of my feet and keep me company.)



South Carolina.

-Charles

Day 2 - Wild Ponies, Southern Sass, and Christmas Lightshow on the Boardwalk

The night ended with my mother coming out of tonight's bathroom with a huge smile. "Guys, um...the bathroom light doesn't work again." Ari and I both look at eachother, not in the uncomfortably loving way that we usually do. Needless to say, the 'fan light' worked, but not the normal light. I digress.

The morning began with a cup of good mediocre coffee at the world's smallest dining area. I knew it was going to be a good mediocre day.

First we went to that national park where there are wild horses. I use the term 'wild' loosely, because they passively came right upto my mother's window, obviously looking for some type of handout. In response, my mom yelped and put the window up, afraid that the horse "might bite something, even her". All I could think of was a book I had to read for 6th grade English, about these two wild horses who had thoughts and emotions and lived the life of a free spirit.


(Picture of me in triumph for climbing some shit-small dune after previously-said horses)


Next point of interest, some woman in the grocery line in Virginia starting pitying my mamma. Nobody pities my mamma but me. My mother who knows her way around a grocery store ran to get an item she had forgotten. Big whoop. The woman behind us in line, with her disarming accent nicely scolds my brother and I for not running around looking for some taco meat stuff. Point goes to the South.
North: 3 South: 1 (we already had 3 - Abolition, Civil Rights, and much-less incest...har har har)

Our continued conquering of the mid-south winded down as we celebrated Christmas in style, without the need of plastic-handle vodka (yet!). We went on a Christmas-light boardwalk drive by Virginia Beach. Although none of the pictures came out well, the highlight is this: 1) They gave us a CD for the short drive that had music, and which also triumphed a) Santa in lights stuck in a chimney, b) riding his sleigh to give out presents to children, and c) flying an airplane. I chose not to question that. 2) Lots of mermaids/crabs 3) a Jurrasic Park light section.


After the lights, I finally realized why I missed having an Xmas as a child. Dinosaurs.

(Lights were like this but less awesome)

Somewhere in northern North Carolina. Until Tomorrow,
-Charles

Day 1 - Atira turns 4/Let it Snow!

The first day ended like any other. My mother: "The light in the bathroom (of the hotel) doesn't work!" (paused for a second) "Oh wait, there it goes."

This blog will be short and sweet - like the little Korean dude in line in front of us at a 24 hour Walmart in hickland Maryland. It will last from Dec 21 until Jan 3rd, and let me just warn you that there will be wonderful (and sometimes terrible) quotes abound. So enjoy!

(Photo Above) Awkward and stereotypical Wawa photo of brother and mother

My niece's 4th birthday party was postponed because everyone in New Jersey is a pansy. Yes, they are. No, I wont fight you about it.

So I could not complete my two goals of the day. 1) Kick my brother's ass in some Jew-on-Jew karate in front of his 4 year old niece, forever scarring her and forcing her to remember that Uncle Ari is a drunk and weak degenerate...2) Take an informal poll and find out for one of my coworkers if Jews do karate more than any other non-Asian peoples.


We stopped at several seedy motels for the night before choosing a decent one. One of them "smelled musty" as my mother elegantly put it, and at another she thought they were offering 2 rooms for $18, hookers an extra $2. It was $80 and not worth it. Our goal is to keep the bar at $9/a room for the rest of the vacation.



After Day 1, location is the outskirts of northern Maryland.

-Charles