Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Movie Review: Cop Out w. Bruce Willis

What happened to you Bruce Willis? You used to be so cool. I remember you in Pulp Fiction, where you killed a man with your flying fists of fury, then took on Marcel Wallace. Who by the way, is not a bitch. Then you put on one of the greatest actions thrillers of all times. Die Hard: With a Vengence.

Whoever did the casting for that movie knew what they were doing. Why not have Bruce Willis be a cop, playing alongside notorious bad ass mutha Samuel L. Jackson? It's another black/white cop movie, but with two huge superstars and outrageous personalities. Amazing.

Sadly, Bruce Willis has fallen far. My theory is that he became good friends with Samuel L. As Sammy decided his acting was worth as far as a script (Snakes on a Plane) could be thrown, so too did Bruce Willis.

In 'Cop Out', Bruce cops out and recreates another black/white cop movie. His sidekick? Tracy Morgan. From SNL.

Atleast we now have John Travolta blowing stuff up with all his baldness.


Monday, January 25, 2010

Cool Jew: Heebsters and Hip Books

(Left: Lisa Klug, obviously unhip)

From the articles I've read about 'Cool Jew' by Lisa Klug, it is a very hip book. I can't say I've read it yet, but it will go on my reading list, if not just purely for entertainment value. Although they definitely could should have hired a graphic designer to do it right. Maybe a certain soon to be Uarts graphic design graduate called 'my brother'. Just sayin'.

While reading a review about this book, I came across the word "heebster". It's trying to be cute by combining Hebrew and Hipster. Why not 'Hipbrew'? Sounds alot like 'hip-bro'. I'm definitely one of those.

I'm not sure if I can adopt this word as my own. It sounds just a tad too nerdy for my taste. Reminds me of the Jewish geek from Freaks and Geeks. Unless 'heebster' is a Jew who religiously reads Heeb magazine. Then I'm all for it...that's just essential hip.

I think I'll just stick with Hipster-Jew. It's got a dash, and last time I checked, dashes were the new hipsters. Score bro!


P.S. Stay tuned, a real semi-legitimate website will be up soon, and I'll be adding another Hipster-Jew writer to the mix!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Saturday Morning Cartoons, I miss the 90s

Growing up quite Jewish, my Saturday mornings were spent in Temple. 2 to 3 hours of mumbling, singing, and nice clothes, culminating with a small snack (Kiddush) every week. Pretty good life, huh?

On top of this, my parents didn't believe in cable. How could you believe in God but not in cable? I guess God was cheaper. Either way, I missed out on a huge social experience of my young, yet-to-be-shaped mind.

There is hope! I went the first 7 months of this school year without cable. It saved me money. It made me focus on school and life. I got out of the house. But alas, I eventually relented. However there's no guilt on my mind, a rarity.

It seems that some marketing geniuses have taken over ABC Kids. Saturday mornings, from 12-1, the original Power Ranger Series plays. Who wakes at 12 noon on a Saturday, too hungover to do anything besides watch mediocre early 1990s cartoons? 20-something year olds who grew up wanting to be Zach but not wanting to BE Zach (Thanks Dave Chappelle). And who wanted to do Kimberly.

If Kimberly was a president she'd be Babe-Raham Lincoln. Keep up the good mediocrity, ABC.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

6 Year Old Pen Pal Revisited: A Book Report

I finally picked up 'Tonight on the Titanic' by Mary Pope Osborne, in the Magic Tree House series book #17. I immediately wondered how much a book of this caliber, all 72 pages of 18 font, could cost at one's local children's bookstore. Sadly, this book is only distributed in some fantastic grade-school black market. Maybe the book just wasn't good enough to be sold in bookstores. It certainly wasn't too good.

I read the book in 40 minutes, but I didn't feel good about myself. I wondered if I should be getting my foot into this literary black market scam. Writing for adults can be hard, arduous, and full of long multi-syllabic words. This book finished with a cliff hanger guaranteeing atleast three (3) more books! Bigger cliffhanger than any episode of Weeds.

I've done much bigger bullshitting before, so this letter will be easy enough. However Scholastic, shame on you. What happened to good children's books?


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Synposis of Tegan and Sara concert

Burlington, VT is known for its large lesbian community. I don't know why specifically lesbians. I'm not sure where or how big the homosexual community is. But the point is that at this concert there were more lesbian couples than the entire state of Vermont.

Maybe I exaggerate, but I do honestly believe the above claim. Why not? Tegan and Sara, sisters who both happen to be lesbians, very much have the support of the lesbian community. If all those Jews, even some of the more religious ones, can come out on a weekday night to see Matisyahu do his schtick, it certainly makes sense.

I can't remember if I've ever been surrounded by that many lesbians, hipsters, and hipster lesbians. It gave me an odd sense of kindred for a few brief moments. Then I realized they were mostly Canadiens. While I flexed my Canadien rights to throw back a couple of tasty beverages, it certainly didn't make up for the fact I was in the heart of French Quebecois.

All in all it was a good show. It was the first time I was in theater-style seating for a large indie act. This made me feel dainty and European, because real Americans rock out at their concerts. This also made me a little upset, because I couldn't rock out while standing up and drinking a beer. Why must I always be forced to choose?

I am proud to be an Amerrrican. Even if Montreal brings in better musicians, Canada remains to prove they don't suck a big one. Eh?


Monday, January 18, 2010

Tegan and Sara: A very hip thing for me to do

So tonight on a last minute whim I'll be driving nearly 2 hours to Montreal to see Tegan & Sara. As hip as people and myself believe I am, I haven't listened to too much of their music. Which has it's benefits: none of their songs are stale. And when this happens I usually get more interested in the said musician afterwords. I also like helping friends whose plans get stiffed, in this particular case by a woman.

My friend made the claim that this couldn't be much more of a man date. 2 dudes going to a hip/indie-semi-lesbian concert. The Alanis Morissette of our time, but less angry and cliche.

I'm also attempting to escape my mixed feelings of returning to school, classes, and many responsibilities. Snowy, calm Burlington was relaxing when the city and campus were emptied of loud, rambunctious UVMers.

Hopefully I'll have an interesting story tonight (if?) when I return.
(Below: What it would look like if Ted and I were Tegan and Sara getting a publicity photo taken in Brooklyn.)


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Be a Lazy Douche and Change the World

Haiti is in trouble. There is no doubt about it in anyone's mind, even Rush Limbaugh's. There are many people who are donating in conventional ways, and many in modern ways. This god damn economy wont keep charitable people away. Some are texting to a number and pay for a donation on their phone bill.

I totally understand. People are inherently lazy - it happens to the best of us (See: Any Nick Cage movie). And this just makes it easier to give to charity. I'm all for it.

What I don't understand is why our generation is lazy to the point of being irresponsibly so. How many facebook pages have you seen saying "For every (number of people) I will donate (a certain sum of money)

Are we so lazy that we'll just join these groups and shift the blame to someone else? If they happened to be lying about donating money it is all their fault. We did our job. What happened to a guilty conscience to keep us in check? And then you wonder why young people are getting tattoos, like that Jewish girl Sarah Silverman. She used to be such a nice girl.

If you care about helping Haitians, don't put up some two-bit facebook status. Get off your ass, get on your phone, and text to the charity of your choice. Or borrow a friend's phone and let them in for a surprise. It's still charity even if it's not your money.  And it's convenient.


Friday, January 15, 2010

Pen Pal with a 6 Year Old

My mother calls me up the other day. I thought she was going to tell me she sent some coupons to me in the mail. She does this every couple of weeks. I used to think she sent them just to me, but on vacation I learned my brother in Philly also gets them. All that time I had deluded myself into thinking my mamma loved me the most. It's tough competing for a Jewish mother's love.

Anyway, she calls to tell me that she is sending me a children's book in the mail. She watches a neighbor's children in the morning, and although I have only met the kid a couple times, the 6 year old boy wanted me to read a book of his that he liked.

My mother set me up with a 6 year old pen pal. Yeah it's a little sad. But I haven't had any pen pals since the third grade. I love computers but I miss how special hand written letters are. And yeah, the kid's handwriting will be better than my own. And his vocabulary and sentence structures are probably more vast and complex.

But I have always wanted to join a book club. I'll finish this book in one sitting on the toilet and feel good about myself.


Thursday, January 14, 2010

I'll American Your Apparel

So I did it the other day. I never thought I would gain the courage to do it. The grande cajones, if you will. It took me two years but I finally bought a $42 hoodie from American Apparel.

$42 for anything is expensive in my book. Clothing, music tix, hookers. I'm not saying I'm cheap, but there's no need to take a cheap cultural shot here.

(Above: What I envision myself to look like when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window)

I've made a few neurotic self-defensive thoughts in the past 12 hours. It feels warm. It has a nice color. It looks good on me. It goes well with my hipster wardrobe and array of sports jackets.

Yet in the end, I knew I had to give into American Apparel. It's just too hip, unisex, and middle-class for me to deny myself. And everyone knows there is nothing more American than the Middle Class.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

New Jersey: 1 Rhode Island: Infinity

I dislike New Jersey. I hate that my niece and nephew live there. Only people from New Jersey don't hate New Jersey. Everyone else knows that it's a cultural craphole. It therefore should come as a small surprise that the show Jersey Shore on MTV has taken a hold of me, like millions of others.

I don't claim it's my 'guilty pleasure'. I shouldn't have to feel ashamed that I watch guidos act like guidos. It's like feeling guilty for going to temple on Yom Kippur. If anything, the show should expunge me of all guilt.

But more importantly, I feel at home while watching the show. You take Paulie D (from Rhode Island represent!), throw in a good amount of Vinny, and you have my high school US History teacher Mr. Ed Dirizzo.

So yeah, the show reminds me of Rhode-I-land, which has a large place in my heart. And that's part of the appeal for me. Big whoop, wannafightaboutit?

"My hair didn't even move an inch and I was in and out of the water. My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccerproof, motocycleproof. I'm not sure if my hair's bulletproof, I'm not willin' to try that." - Paulie D, my new DJ Hero ( or is it DJ-hero?)


Sunday, January 10, 2010

Old Jews Telling Jokes

Have you always wanted a Jewish grandfather? Well here's your chance, without the awkward family reunion parties!

My brother showed me a website the other day that I had heard about but forgotten, since my procrastinating skills are Bush League compared to his. Jews and hipsters of all ages will be in for a treat.

The website has a simple, and genius premise. You take several old Jewish men and women, with their extensive Yiddish skills and mysterious European (or Brooklun) accent that many older Jews have. You unleash them to do what Jews have been doing for centuries(and something I attempt poorly): Telling jokes.

Here is one of many delightful jokes:

I swear, it's like the 1950s Catskills are a part of my living room. Which is convenient, because I would never want to be surrounded by that many Jews. Or be around in the '50s.


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Having Fun with Facebook

I know I'm not the only person who does this. But before I begin, I have to set some rules:

1) Facebook isn't serious
2) You are silly if you think it is (which has some deep paradoxical twist, I am sure)
3) The best jokes are those that only you think are funny (although it boosts self esteem if someone laughs with you, not at you)

(Below: Why I like Facebook)
Combining these three rules may explain alot about my outlook on Facebook, and by obvious extension, life. Most people use facebook to share and reconnect with friends, procrastinate, or moan about something political/partisan/nobody else in their right mind would have time for if they weren't procrastinating. In short, facebook is life.

On the first part, I would like to point out that if you need an online forum to reconnect with someone, it probably wasn't worth it in the first place. Unless she was a hotty who you never had a chance with in highschool, possibly due to the fact she's a shiksa and you're a nebbisha nerd. That's commendable. You notice through her relationship status that she just broke up with that jock-hole highschool sweetheart, and you are there as a shoulder to lean on, to swoop in on easy prey. That's not quite as commendable, but atleast you're using online social networking to your advantage.

I think it's my inherently bizzare, twisted personality that causes me to use facebook as a means to entertain myself. Not in a cruel way, just in a bizzare, twisted way. I literally 'lol' when I comment on people's pictures who I don't know but pretend to. This works also when I comment on someone's constant and bland status with a total nonsequitar. Most of the time people ignore me, but I always immediately imagine their reactions to my comments on their life. There is an obvious initial surprise, which quickly disolves into utter confusion. They shake their heads, imagine I must be washed up, loony, or a little bit of both. They write me off, and justify this as a reason for why we no longer make small talk about politics and procrastinating.

And I don't feel guilty for never talking to them. Charles: 2 Charles' Mother: 315


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Natalie Portman, Gift-Giving Women

My brother sent me an article today in which Natalie Portman said she doesn't like doing Jewish-themed movies. What I wanna know is if she likes doing Jewish-themed men. Zing!    But seriously, I need to know my odds.  (Below: Every Jewish Boy's Dream Date)

On that note, I realized the other day that materially I do pretty well in relationships. I'm not the type of person to just take and take and take, but for some reason they have historically ended shortly after my birthdays. Therefore, I get a good present every couple years (isn't love grand?). For instance, in high school I received Weezer's Pinkerton. I shouldn't need to mention how influential that album has been on skinny white boys everywhere. Most recently,  I got the book "I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski". The book is filled with wonderfully useless knowledge that any fanboy needs to know. The Dude abides.

At the same time, this has led me to another revelation: The relationships I have had ended shortly after my birthday. I'll admit for a while I was a bit melancholy. I couldn't figure out if it was a causual or direct relationship between my birthday and the breakups, like the relationship between fire and brimstone. I'll be damned to leave it to coincidence or fate to decide this dilemma.

After a few brief moments of soul searching I (Above: My Second Choice) decided that the only explanation is that my birth was a phenomenal day. So impressive, in fact, that the girls became horribly jealous and petty. They knew deep inside their own hollow caverns of an excuse for a heart that they could never attain the boyish charisma and slight neuroticism that simultaneously makes me god-like and forces me to create these tepid excuses.

I can picture it now, shortly after my birthday, them pacing around a room wildly, like a bear caught in a trap. Considering it a 'fight or flight' moment, a royal rumble if you will, they chose to leave before their self esteems fell lower than the Dow Jones afer 9/11.

But man, those gifts were pretty considerate. Thanks again.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Blog has a New Name, If you like Lady Gaga You're Gonna Love This!

I have decided, after receiving much support from friends and family to continue being a sarcastic asshole, to keep the blog. Thank you!

If you like Lady Gaga and Asher Roth having an autotune baby, you're gonna love this!
If you like spoiled white girls, you're gonna love this!
If you enjoy wasting time by reading my blog, you're gonna love this!
If you remember Britney may like this.
If you like New get the point.

Today I want to talk about an 'artist' named Ke$ha. Now you would think, with her unique spelling, that she would be a black girl with some pizzaz and spunk and attitude. And you would be correct. Except replace black with outrageously white. It turns out Ke$ha is not only white, but she's got a spoiled bitchy upper-middle-class attitude to go with it! And young white girls everywhere are hypnotized.
The best part may be that it's catchy enough that I hope every fellow hipster will adopt this song as their anthem.

I'll let the music video speak for itself, but I will leave you with these choice lyrics (added benefit if you read them aloud in the whitest 45 year old dad voice possible).

"I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he gettin' too drunk, drunk

We go until they kick us out,
Or the po-lice shut us down..."


Ke$ha - Tick Tock

                        Video: Kesha - Tik Tok                                                   Benzer: kesha, tik, tok, müzik, music, song